Finding faith in unorthodox places

I’ve always struggled with my faith. After growing up in a household with parents on opposite ends of the religious spectrum, I went to a Lutheran college – further muddling my faith identity. A journey through India was just the icing on the messed up confusion-cake that is my belief system.

Lately, I feel like I’ve been failing my way through adulthood. Career dissatisfaction and loneliness replaced my awesome college experience. If there was ever a time for religion, this is it, right?

So in my depression, have I turned to God? Or a different idol – Allah, Vishnu…Zeus? Of course not.

Instead, I have turned to Tom Wolfe and Weeds to help me through my trials and tribulations, and I can’t help but wonder what that means about me as a person.

Tom Wolfe’s writing holds a similar allure as religious texts. I find inspiration in the freedom of the Merry Pranksters in The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. I learn lessons from their mishaps. And there are certain passages I read whenever I need motivation.

Weeds, my other favorite diversion, definitely isn’t inspiring any superior morality, but it stands as a reminder of my past. Not because I was a single-parent drug trafficker, but because I first watched the show with special people in my life. Those memories are totally uplifting and have helped me work through the past few months.

I know that my dependence on Tom Wolfe and Nancy Botwin probably offends people who have deep faith in an establish religion, but for now, this is my solution. And until I can get my life together and perhaps get a real grasp on my faith, I’m going to keep relying on my substitutes.

The money divide

No matter where you fall on the financial spectrum, conversations about money are bound to end with frustration.

I made the mistake of walking into a conversational land mine at work recently when I fell into discussion over money with a coworker.

This coworker and I could not be further apart in terms of finances. I grew up comfortable, by West River SD standards. It hasn’t always been easy for my parents, but they always ensured that I was taken care of. And I couldn’t have wanted anything more. Coworker, however, grew up in one of America’s wealthiest suburbs, a grandson of industry. He certainly was taken care of by his parents, but in a way that my family could never imagine.

Knowing that, it’s not surprising that our discussion of finances rarely result in agreement.

Although Coworker doesn’t live in his wealthy suburb now, he hasn’t truly left behind the vestiges of his childhood as he would like to believe. Living in Montana may be a personal choice, but his economic advantages followed. Yesterday, he told me that he appreciates what he has now – away from the family influence – more. He “understands” money better because he grew up in a different way.

I don’t disagree – he does understand money in a vastly different way than I do. But I’m not sure that it would be correct to say he’s more appreciative than I am.

Giving up every summer since I was 14 to save money for school and working obscene hours during college just to pay for one study abroad trip gave me a pretty deep appreciation for money. I understand money – the power it gives people, the feeling of ‘less than’ when others flaunt it at you.

Coworker and I will remain at odds on the financial front forever as far as I can tell. We may be in total agreement about the awesomeness of Ben Folds, but as long as Coworker buys glasses of scotch that could cover my car payment, the money divide won’t resolve.

The art of saying no

In college, I had a serious problem with overscheduling. I volunteered for every committee, I edited papers for all of my friends (and some frenemies), and I always picked up work shifts when someone needed a night off – even if I was inconveniencing myself.

My inability to say ‘no’ caused mayhem in my life. Tied to my planner, I spent my college years constantly afraid of disappointing people.

Looking back, I realize I was too concerned with the approval of others. I certainly wouldn’t have spent nights editing 60-page thesis drafts for friends before even starting my own homework if I had just learned to say no.

Since graduation, however, I’ve lost my devotion to ‘yes.’ There’s a certain self-preservation that takes place during life post college when you realize saying no, while perhaps causing disappointment to someone, somewhere, will be better for your mental well-being.

While that’s definitely eased my professional stress, I still find myself accommodating friendships with an unending stream of yes’s.

I’m seeing myself on the wrong end of a couple one-sided friendships, but instead of using my newfound ‘no,’ I let these people take from me without giving friendship in return.

Even though I realize what’s happening, saying no in a female friendship is entirely different than saying no to a coworker. Girls are raised to be good – and good girls are sweet and nice to their friends, no matter what.

Until the self-preservation that kicked in at work maneuvers into my personal life, I’m left with nothing to do but ponder the complexity of my own gender and our inability to just say no.

It’s all uphill from here

The first month at my ‘big-kid’ job was like a four-credit class.

Turns out, the career center wasn’t kidding about the intensity of on-the-job training.

Mere hours into my first day, I’d already started questioning my education. ‘What the hell had I been doing for the last four years? Didn’t I learn anything in college?’

That was just the beginning of my battle with the dreaded post-grad problems.

As someone who majored in English and journalism, the last thing I expected to do in my life was build a website. I studied James Joyce and Judith Butler, not HTML or flash players.

Guess what I spent my first month doing? Yeah, you got it, super smart readers: I built a website.

Seven months in, I’m actually (semi) well versed in HTML. I have successfully built about 900 pages; and whenever I do something right on my own, I throw a mini dance party.

Don’t get the wrong idea though – I still have days at work where I’d much rather hide in the supply closet than deal with emails or meetings.

Now the terrifying questions that plagued me during my first day at work no longer weigh so heavily on my mind. I did indeed learn something in college. I actually learned more than I realized. (There’s nothing more exciting than answering a question with knowledge from a random elective you took sophomore year.)

But no matter how great my education was, nothing prepared me for the shock of the working-world.

Initially, I regretted not double-majoring in computer science because my first month most certainly would’ve been simpler. (Blasted advisor! Why didn’t he tell me this was going to happen??)

But had I found a position as an economic reporter, I could just as easily lamented my decision not to major in econ and learn all about Keynesian theory.

Truthfully, I didn’t need that computer science degree – I just needed that first month. My employer decided to hire me without any knowledge of web design knowing I had the ability to learn the necessary skills.

But where did I learn to learn…oh, right. College.

My boss recently told me I was hired, in part, because I exhibited signs of the ability to “catch on quickly” – something highly valued in my office.

That’s something every student learns, whether they know it or not.

‘Oh, the syllabus does matter? The tests are taken directly from readings? If I come fifteen minutes before chapel hour the omelette line will be shorter?’

These hard and fast campus lessons are of the “catch on quick”-or-fail variety, and few students fail. The trick to the formidable big-kid job is to translate the omelette-rule to a new environment.

That ‘trick’ doesn’t come easy, though, and there are a few things I’d advise students to do while they’re still living in the warm, fuzzy embrace of college life.

If you have an internship where you are allowed to sit in on meetings, pay close attention. My internships in college were at smaller companies, which didn’t prepare me for the group meetings that are an everyday occurrence now.

There are few things more terrifying than the first time someone asks you for wisdom during a meeting. I vaguely remember mumbling something about the three-exclamation-point rule and dying a little inside.

Students should also take opportunities to get out of their comfort zone.

Although no one would accuse me of being shy, it’s important for everyone to feel comfortable meeting new people. The first day at work is like the first day of Kindergarten, grown up. You’ll be inundated with names and cursing yourself for not just working at Barnes and Noble, because at least they wear nametags.

Moral of the story: seniors, if you find yourself in the incredibly blessed position of marking “employed” on that grad survey, be prepared to encounter a few pitfalls in the next year, but also relish your good fortune.

You’re in for months (probably years) of insecurity and stress, but along with it incredible learning experiences and the fulfillment of doing something you love.

And this, I’ve found, is the quandary that contributes to all post-grad problems.